For almost a year now, I have subscribed to an online community of baby-boomers. I was drawn, originally, by the writing groups, one of which actually held writing competitions in which a published author critiqued pieces, constructively. I got really jazzed when she pointed up something she liked about what I had written, and though I never actually won “first prize”, I always placed…
As time went on, I began to explore the site more deeply and came to enjoy many other groups, which also offered me the opportunity to spread my wings. I would browse the questions, and delve into any subject I found of interest without thought to what someone might think, or expect. I have, over time, received many “kudos” and “friend requests”, and have come to know many people on varying levels.
Today, as I entered the site and browsed the topics, I found myself hesitant to answer a question. I was intrigued, and had a ready answer, but after I typed it, I hesitated. I found myself thinking, what will “they” think? In a characteristic reaction of rebellion, I posted my answer. But the question remains…
I have tossed it around all day.
This is what I have come up with…
I am a free spirit. In my “real” life, I am a “live and let live” kind of person. What you see is what you get. If you like it, that’s great! If you don’t, and decide to keep moving, then that’s ok, too. Our time here is too short to spend great amounts of time and energy on something as simple as human relationships. If you don’t like what I have to offer, chances are, there is someone more to your liking just around the bend, and I encourage you to keep walking. I’ll even show you the way!
A forced relationship, in which you feel you have to adhere to someone else’s standard isn’t real, and, thus, a waste of valuable time.
I have a couple of handfuls of friends, to whom, I feel real obligation, and many, many acquaintances, who I enjoy, but, from whom, I entertain no particular burden.
Over the last year, I have engaged in an exchange of ideas with people with whom I have in common a market share, and I have come to value them.
What I have discovered is that, on many levels, I value them as much, or more than. people I see, and speak to, and share air with, every day. With this esteem comes obligation, as in any relationship, and what they think of me has become important. I no longer participate in an open forum with a group of herded strangers. I have uncovered personalities. I am aware of expectations. I feel a need for approval….
I am, and always have been, a big fan of online communication. I love the way it takes down barriers and leaves just what matters….puts it out on the table for our consideration.
And, as I’m wondering why, after 47 years I am suddenly craving approval from a group of people I might not even recognize should I meet them on the street, I have realized there is a drawback….
This morning, I had a ready answer, and I hesitated. I know what these people think, but as I consider their viewpoints, I cannot study their body language. I cannot look into their faces and decide if they are serious or just feeling me out. I cannot read a smile, or feel a look of disdain….
I drive for a minimum of an hour to, and from work. This afternoon, as a sat, in my new-found quiet, waiting for opposing traffic to pass, I thought of a friend; fragile, unhealthy, brave. I tried to remember the last time I had called, just to tell her I love her, and my heart double-clutched…
In the last 24 hours, I have shared opinions, and “vibes”, and stories with hundreds of people I wouldn’t even recognize in a police line-up, and I hadn’t called her once.
We talked tonight, often at the same time. And, as she talked, I didn’t have to wonder what she really meant, or what her facial expressions might have been, because I knew…..
As time went on, I began to explore the site more deeply and came to enjoy many other groups, which also offered me the opportunity to spread my wings. I would browse the questions, and delve into any subject I found of interest without thought to what someone might think, or expect. I have, over time, received many “kudos” and “friend requests”, and have come to know many people on varying levels.
Today, as I entered the site and browsed the topics, I found myself hesitant to answer a question. I was intrigued, and had a ready answer, but after I typed it, I hesitated. I found myself thinking, what will “they” think? In a characteristic reaction of rebellion, I posted my answer. But the question remains…
I have tossed it around all day.
This is what I have come up with…
I am a free spirit. In my “real” life, I am a “live and let live” kind of person. What you see is what you get. If you like it, that’s great! If you don’t, and decide to keep moving, then that’s ok, too. Our time here is too short to spend great amounts of time and energy on something as simple as human relationships. If you don’t like what I have to offer, chances are, there is someone more to your liking just around the bend, and I encourage you to keep walking. I’ll even show you the way!
A forced relationship, in which you feel you have to adhere to someone else’s standard isn’t real, and, thus, a waste of valuable time.
I have a couple of handfuls of friends, to whom, I feel real obligation, and many, many acquaintances, who I enjoy, but, from whom, I entertain no particular burden.
Over the last year, I have engaged in an exchange of ideas with people with whom I have in common a market share, and I have come to value them.
What I have discovered is that, on many levels, I value them as much, or more than. people I see, and speak to, and share air with, every day. With this esteem comes obligation, as in any relationship, and what they think of me has become important. I no longer participate in an open forum with a group of herded strangers. I have uncovered personalities. I am aware of expectations. I feel a need for approval….
I am, and always have been, a big fan of online communication. I love the way it takes down barriers and leaves just what matters….puts it out on the table for our consideration.
And, as I’m wondering why, after 47 years I am suddenly craving approval from a group of people I might not even recognize should I meet them on the street, I have realized there is a drawback….
This morning, I had a ready answer, and I hesitated. I know what these people think, but as I consider their viewpoints, I cannot study their body language. I cannot look into their faces and decide if they are serious or just feeling me out. I cannot read a smile, or feel a look of disdain….
I drive for a minimum of an hour to, and from work. This afternoon, as a sat, in my new-found quiet, waiting for opposing traffic to pass, I thought of a friend; fragile, unhealthy, brave. I tried to remember the last time I had called, just to tell her I love her, and my heart double-clutched…
In the last 24 hours, I have shared opinions, and “vibes”, and stories with hundreds of people I wouldn’t even recognize in a police line-up, and I hadn’t called her once.
We talked tonight, often at the same time. And, as she talked, I didn’t have to wonder what she really meant, or what her facial expressions might have been, because I knew…..
© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll
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2 comments:
I understand your affinity to such a network. I, too have had such a thing. I also understand your desire to be more real to those around you. I n my own experience, I found it difficult to have both, but perhaps you're a better "balancer" than I am. Good luck in your search. Wonderfully written piece. You have captured the duality very well. Another one of your typically evocative pieces.
Beautiful.
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